I really like clothes.
I really like gawdy, gold bracelets.
I really like shopping in any number of places.
I really like expensive designer brands.
I really like Target's 75% off clearance rack.
I really like patterned shift dresses.
I really like simple and timeless.
I really like a good #ootd.
I really like basic tees.
I really like Kate, Stella, Michael, and Tory.
Oh, I really, really like it all.
I am ashamed to admit the number of times an overwhelming desire grips my ability to reason and before I realize it I am skipping out the door with green-greed pulsating in my eyes and my car is suddenly parked and my feet are moving me towards a Target, a mall, a boutique. I have often convinced myself one more bedazzled shirt, one more shiny bauble, one more flouncy skirt and I will suddenly find fashion fulfillment. This may all sound hyper-dramatized, but this is an on-going struggle. It is not the type of struggle that decimates my banking account or makes me chose between food or a new top, yet it is grave serious. It is serious because it has great potential to become an idol, a scheming false pretense that plots to steal my affection from Christ. Even more so, where you put your money is often where you put your heart. Imagining what kingdom impact my money spent on clothing could have is a sombering reality.
Clothes can become a security blanket. If you have ever viewed yourself as unattractive, overweight, or void of joy--guess what looks better and better with every flash sale, every new boutique opening, every red sale sign? Clothing. Being both an avid consumer of fashion and working on the sales side for years I know how real this struggle is to so, so many gorgeous women. It pained me to hear beautiful women utter something like, "If you don't like what is under them, at least you will look good on the outside" or "This would look so much better if I lost 20 pounds" as they flung too-small, hiphugger jeans over the dressing-room door towards me. Phrases like this just even more accurately pinpoint how dangerous materialism can become if you begin to use a perpetual shopping trip to uplift your spirits. I don't say these things to tell you I never want to buy another new thing to hang in my closet...because that just is not true (refine my heart, oh Lord). Instead I hope to lend a perspective I have to continually remind myself of: contentment is only found in the Lord. Joy is only found in the Lord.
While working as a sales associate, I remember feeling impending doom and happiness mingle together when one particularly precious woman would enter into my store weekly. She wore a hat to cover the damage chemotherapy wrecked on her body and mind. Her wigs varied from giddy blonde to spunky brunette. She often joked her spontaneous hair escapades was her favorite blessing from cancer. As she entered the store, always impeccably dressed, always flawless makeup, she would zealously pile clothes into my arms as I started her dressing room. I wanted to hug her, to cry with her. I wanted to go grab lunch with her. I didn't want to use her pained heart and broken lymphatic system to meet my sales quota for the day. It was so evident that clothing brought her a quick fix, like a drug addict's prick. However, her weekly trips made her feel better and I am in no place to steal that. This warrior felt beautiful for a few hours while she tried on new outfits and our staff oooooed and ahhhhhed over her.
I challenge myself to: 1. Continually strive to clothe myself in joy, confidence, and grace. 2. Remember that more clothes only equates a bigger pile of dust when I leave this earth. 3. Give more than I buy. 4. Shop my closet more than any store. 5. Give thanks for the things I own.
Wednesday, February 19, 2014
Wednesday, February 12, 2014
Love Letter to a 15-year-old me: confidence, choices, and conceit
Being in constant contact with high school students in the classroom and having a heart for high school girls, I am constantly reflecting on what a mess I was in high school and to be honest, most of college. My identity was vested in so many things: clothes, people's perception of me, appearances, and the list continues, that I forgot my true identity was a daughter of Christ. Although, I definitely have not discovered the secret formula for self-actualization, realizing my worth and identity are alone for the glory of Christ is quite the game-changer.
In honor of Valentine's Week, I thought it would be appropriate to write a love letter to myself during a time when I so frequently disliked, or even hated, rather than appreciated, loved, and clothed myself in joy as I am learning to do presently. Loving myself is an on-going battle that I have to commit myself to daily, and to anyone who truly struggles with this be encouraged my friend, one day I promise you will smile at the girl you see smiling back!
Dear 15-year-old-me,
Today, you probably cried. You do that a lot lately. Today, you called yourself fat (or implied it), you didn't eat that much, then you ate too much. You do a whole lot of that. Oh, you worked out a lot, too. Sweet girl, please. just. stop. You are beautiful. Let me assure you you won't feel that way for quite sometime, but you have to trust me (or us, however this works). You aren't beautiful because some guy said you were hott. You aren't beautiful because your friends liked your outfit today or asked you how you did your eye makeup. You aren't beautiful because you fit into your self-professed "skinny-goal-jeans". You aren't beautiful because someone texted you today or IMed you (don't get used to that Instant Messenger thing). You aren't beautiful because you have an epic amount of friends compared to the days when you had so few. I think we had about zero, remember that? You aren't beautiful because of your talent to hide your home life from your friends or your fear of losing your mom. I know it is insane and you feel like you could absolutely never, ever, ever feel beautiful but my-goodness you are. You are beautiful because you are bought by the grace of a King. He calls you beautiful and that is infinitely more significant than the "best dressed" superlative you are vying for. The creator of the entire universe (!) calls you "His". Rejoice in that. Find life there. Feed your soul this truth, oozing with goodness. You do not have to continue feeding yourself jabs and tugs at your heart. You don't deserve the scowls you give yourself in the mirror or the on-going repertoire of sarcastic rhetoric you hide behind. Girl. I wish I could stand beside you and hug you. You (we) have never been talented in letting others in, but you will feel such overwhelming freedom if you allow yourself to stop carrying around guilt and righteousness. Instead of looking around you to the left, to your friend who is smarter than you, or the to the right, to your friend who is prettier (i.e. skinnier) than you cling to the gospel for ultimate confidence. I know you haven't fully figured out what the Gospel is. You haven't quite figured out the difference between religion and relationship.
Gosh, just don't condemn others. Speak goodness, never hate. For now, love others fearlessly. You have been blessed with wonderful friends and they need you as much as you need them. Don't let your feelings get hurt when you feel left out, it happens. Control your tongue--oh, it gets you into trouble. Speak life-giving words. Spend more time with Christ than you do getting ready in the morning. Pour out kindness. You have so many incredible examples of what kindness looks like. Start a book journal, you never remember all the books you read. Don't play the comparison game--you lose a lot. You still have a lot of hard lessons to learn. Your heart gets broken a few times (by the same immature boy). You break a heart and feel awful about it. Learn to forgive yourself. Forgive others too, you are really bad at that (it only gets a little better). Show as much grace to others as is shown to you. Praise yourself for working really hard, it pays off. Believe God's plan is beautiful and He designed it intricately. Work harder. Always remain thankful and humble. Good for you for being kind to people different than you--do that more, a lot more. Guard your heart, don't forget where you throw the key. Crying isn't weak. You are a strong warrior, but don't forget to grow weak before Christ. Pray, then pray some more. Lastly sweet girl, cling to joy. CLING to joy with both hands. There are things around you that you just don't control and those things hurt you, but you are going to learn about renewing joy and it is going to rock your world. Figure out everything there is to know about the cross and allow it to lead your path.
I hope you like me when you meet me.
You
In honor of Valentine's Week, I thought it would be appropriate to write a love letter to myself during a time when I so frequently disliked, or even hated, rather than appreciated, loved, and clothed myself in joy as I am learning to do presently. Loving myself is an on-going battle that I have to commit myself to daily, and to anyone who truly struggles with this be encouraged my friend, one day I promise you will smile at the girl you see smiling back!
Dear 15-year-old-me,
Today, you probably cried. You do that a lot lately. Today, you called yourself fat (or implied it), you didn't eat that much, then you ate too much. You do a whole lot of that. Oh, you worked out a lot, too. Sweet girl, please. just. stop. You are beautiful. Let me assure you you won't feel that way for quite sometime, but you have to trust me (or us, however this works). You aren't beautiful because some guy said you were hott. You aren't beautiful because your friends liked your outfit today or asked you how you did your eye makeup. You aren't beautiful because you fit into your self-professed "skinny-goal-jeans". You aren't beautiful because someone texted you today or IMed you (don't get used to that Instant Messenger thing). You aren't beautiful because you have an epic amount of friends compared to the days when you had so few. I think we had about zero, remember that? You aren't beautiful because of your talent to hide your home life from your friends or your fear of losing your mom. I know it is insane and you feel like you could absolutely never, ever, ever feel beautiful but my-goodness you are. You are beautiful because you are bought by the grace of a King. He calls you beautiful and that is infinitely more significant than the "best dressed" superlative you are vying for. The creator of the entire universe (!) calls you "His". Rejoice in that. Find life there. Feed your soul this truth, oozing with goodness. You do not have to continue feeding yourself jabs and tugs at your heart. You don't deserve the scowls you give yourself in the mirror or the on-going repertoire of sarcastic rhetoric you hide behind. Girl. I wish I could stand beside you and hug you. You (we) have never been talented in letting others in, but you will feel such overwhelming freedom if you allow yourself to stop carrying around guilt and righteousness. Instead of looking around you to the left, to your friend who is smarter than you, or the to the right, to your friend who is prettier (i.e. skinnier) than you cling to the gospel for ultimate confidence. I know you haven't fully figured out what the Gospel is. You haven't quite figured out the difference between religion and relationship.
Gosh, just don't condemn others. Speak goodness, never hate. For now, love others fearlessly. You have been blessed with wonderful friends and they need you as much as you need them. Don't let your feelings get hurt when you feel left out, it happens. Control your tongue--oh, it gets you into trouble. Speak life-giving words. Spend more time with Christ than you do getting ready in the morning. Pour out kindness. You have so many incredible examples of what kindness looks like. Start a book journal, you never remember all the books you read. Don't play the comparison game--you lose a lot. You still have a lot of hard lessons to learn. Your heart gets broken a few times (by the same immature boy). You break a heart and feel awful about it. Learn to forgive yourself. Forgive others too, you are really bad at that (it only gets a little better). Show as much grace to others as is shown to you. Praise yourself for working really hard, it pays off. Believe God's plan is beautiful and He designed it intricately. Work harder. Always remain thankful and humble. Good for you for being kind to people different than you--do that more, a lot more. Guard your heart, don't forget where you throw the key. Crying isn't weak. You are a strong warrior, but don't forget to grow weak before Christ. Pray, then pray some more. Lastly sweet girl, cling to joy. CLING to joy with both hands. There are things around you that you just don't control and those things hurt you, but you are going to learn about renewing joy and it is going to rock your world. Figure out everything there is to know about the cross and allow it to lead your path.
I hope you like me when you meet me.
You
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